What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 05:47
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He knew the spot.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
How do you know how physically attractive you actually are?
Im still living with it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But, we were locked up after school.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was very sick at this time too.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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We all went to grammer schools
What did i know ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were not on the streets..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
This is soul school!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So, i spoilt her more .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i lived it daily.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was in good health!
It was going to be , some day.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Comes on , in middle age.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One cannot live in the past .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was scared of men, in general
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Would this be the day?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I have no regrets .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I will be 64.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My life is so biszare .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Ive learnt so much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So whats the point in blame.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Put me off passion for life!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She loved him until the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was seconnd youngest,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I waited trembling.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My family never makes their pension either.
All the time i was locked up.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
(And it was in our own minds.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I said to her
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When she asked me how she looked .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Who then, do I blame.?
I was 9 years of age.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She wouldn,t have been !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it wasn’t much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I don,t even have a pension.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She found it foreign!.